June 1, 2010....
One year ago tomorrow was the first time we ever saw a good photo of Wyatt's face. It was our first and only 3D ultrasound.
After being sent home for the holiday weekend, we were asked to return on Tuesday, June 1 to meet with the team of cardiologist and for more tests on little Wyatt. June 1, 2010 was the date of when echo was performed that showed Wyatt's name was fitting, he was and always will be a warrior, his heart was still beating.
After the echo, we told the doctors that we still wanted to do the surgery. I was sent for a 3D scan to ensure that there were no other anomalies and this is where we saw his face for the first time. He was precious. Initially we thought he was 100% me. He had my chubby cheeks, my nose, and my shaped face. After almost two hours on the ultrasound table, it was determined Wyatt was perfect, except for his heart. Even the ultrasound tech said, "He is adorable, it's just his heart."
I remember coming out of the room and going back into the lobby. Brian's mom and my mom were both sitting there. We showed them the photo and they were both in awe. Immediately we sent the photo to everyone via text.
What an exciting day!
Who would have thought that this would be the last time we would see Wyatt's little face and body in motion?
If I would have known, I wouldn't have complained so much about laying on that table while the weight was pushing on my spine. I would have sucked it up and dealt with it while taking in every movement Wyatt was making.
We still have that 3D ultrasound picture and it is in a frame in our living room. I find myself looking at the picture nearly every night. I love that photo because Wyatt looks so peaceful. His little arm tucked under his chin and his perfect little face so clearly seen.
June 1, 2010 was the day that we saw the face of our warrior.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
A New Blog....
I have been toying with creating a separate blog for Nolan or whether to just continue posting on this blog about Nolan's milestones. I felt it only right that Nolan have his own blog.
With Nolan's due date right around the corner, I know that there will be tons of photos and blog posts about our little Nolan. Because I want to ensure that my boys milestones and life events are kept separate, I have decided to create a separate blog for Nolan.
Please feel free to visit and follow Nolan's blog at:
http://ourgiftbythenameofnolan.blogspot.com/
I will be continuing with "Wyatt's Whisper" but will be blogging Nolan's life events on his blog called "Our Gift by the Name of Nolan".
With Nolan's due date right around the corner, I know that there will be tons of photos and blog posts about our little Nolan. Because I want to ensure that my boys milestones and life events are kept separate, I have decided to create a separate blog for Nolan.
Please feel free to visit and follow Nolan's blog at:
http://ourgiftbythenameofnolan.blogspot.com/
I will be continuing with "Wyatt's Whisper" but will be blogging Nolan's life events on his blog called "Our Gift by the Name of Nolan".
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Remembering the Hardest Decision Ever
Friday, May 28, 2010
That was the day that Brian and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives. We had to decide whether or not to allow our unborn son to be operated on through the womb.
We were told by the doctors that that surgery was experimental and that there was only a very small chance it would work. But we were also told that if we did nothing, our little Wyatt would surely die.
So as a parent, what do you do? Do you sit back and do nothing while you wait for your child, the one you tried so desperately to conceive for 26 months, to pass in your womb? Or do you proceed with a surgery that doesn't stand much of a chance of saving his little life?
Oh my God, I remember the day. I was wheeled down for tests, echos, and an amnio. Again, another day with no breakfast and nothing to drink. I hadn't had my prenatal in three days and I remember thinking that my son was going to be sick from my not eating and the lack of prenatals. Upon completing the tests, I was wheeled back to my hospital room at the University of Penn, as I hadn't been fully moved over to the Children's Hospital yet. After we returned to the room, we told Dr. Bryd that we had decided to move forward with the surgery. I think she disagreed, as she told us several times that we didn't have to do the surgery. She was the first of many to tell us this.
As the days followed, we met with several other doctors and cardiologist, all saying the same thing. They would start off with their name and tell us they were sorry for Wyatt's condition. Then they would immediately say something about the fact that we didn't have to proceed with the surgery, that they would understand. It made me question our decision several times, but again, without the surgery Wyatt has "zero chance".
That same day, May 28, the doctor's advised that it would be best to be released from the hospital for the holiday weekend, as the surgery wasn't going to take place until the following week. To this day, I honestly believe we were released to wait for Wyatt to pass.
On June 1, we returned to the hospital for another echo. The echo tech was the same from the previous week. After holding my breath as she started the scan, I recall her saying "his little heart is still beating." He had held on through the weekend and I could breathe. After the scan was complete and we were waiting for the doctors, I remember Brian talking to the tech about how we were sent home for the weekend. The tech softly confirmed to us what we had considered. She said, "They didn't think his heart would be beating during the echo today." That was when I realized just how bad Wyatt's condition really was.
That was the day that Brian and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives. We had to decide whether or not to allow our unborn son to be operated on through the womb.
We were told by the doctors that that surgery was experimental and that there was only a very small chance it would work. But we were also told that if we did nothing, our little Wyatt would surely die.
So as a parent, what do you do? Do you sit back and do nothing while you wait for your child, the one you tried so desperately to conceive for 26 months, to pass in your womb? Or do you proceed with a surgery that doesn't stand much of a chance of saving his little life?
Oh my God, I remember the day. I was wheeled down for tests, echos, and an amnio. Again, another day with no breakfast and nothing to drink. I hadn't had my prenatal in three days and I remember thinking that my son was going to be sick from my not eating and the lack of prenatals. Upon completing the tests, I was wheeled back to my hospital room at the University of Penn, as I hadn't been fully moved over to the Children's Hospital yet. After we returned to the room, we told Dr. Bryd that we had decided to move forward with the surgery. I think she disagreed, as she told us several times that we didn't have to do the surgery. She was the first of many to tell us this.
As the days followed, we met with several other doctors and cardiologist, all saying the same thing. They would start off with their name and tell us they were sorry for Wyatt's condition. Then they would immediately say something about the fact that we didn't have to proceed with the surgery, that they would understand. It made me question our decision several times, but again, without the surgery Wyatt has "zero chance".
That same day, May 28, the doctor's advised that it would be best to be released from the hospital for the holiday weekend, as the surgery wasn't going to take place until the following week. To this day, I honestly believe we were released to wait for Wyatt to pass.
On June 1, we returned to the hospital for another echo. The echo tech was the same from the previous week. After holding my breath as she started the scan, I recall her saying "his little heart is still beating." He had held on through the weekend and I could breathe. After the scan was complete and we were waiting for the doctors, I remember Brian talking to the tech about how we were sent home for the weekend. The tech softly confirmed to us what we had considered. She said, "They didn't think his heart would be beating during the echo today." That was when I realized just how bad Wyatt's condition really was.
"I had to fight like hell and fighting like hell has made me what I am."
~ John Arbuthnot
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Remembering the Beginning of the End
And it started.... Reliving the moments all over again. Yesterday, I had to go to the same facility where we had Wyatt's last "healthy" ultrasound on May 25, 2010. I had to go because I needed an ultrasound of my kidneys for this pregnancy. That was just the first step.
Tonight, I sit here watching American Idol the final episode of the season. Last year, I did this from the hospital on May 26, 2010. It was Simon's last episode. I had been rushed by ambulance to University of Penn from West Chester. I arrived and was quickly seen by three MFM doctors who looked very concerned. I had no idea what was wrong, as I was only told that I needed to be taken to University of Penn to be seen by a specialist.
Immediately the doctors did an echo cardiogram and told me that the baby (we didn't know Wyatt's gender yet) had a minor heart defect that could definitely be fixed without any complications. With that under control, I turned on American Idol and watched the final episode of the season. Lee DeWyze won, which is who I was hoping would win. I was in tears, as I am with every final episode of the season, but this time even more so because Simon was done. It was his final show.
After the show ended, my family and husband left because visiting hours were over. I thought that things were okay. Who would have thought that the next day, May 27, 2010, could have brought one little family so much horrible news. More to come on that in later posts this week and next.
So, as I sit here watching Idol tonight, it sure does bring back some memories, both good and bad. Nolan however, is moving very much right now. It's like he knows everything that took place, like Wyatt told him about it. It's like Nolan is trying to tell me that everything is okay and not to worry.
Yesterday and today's events are nothing more than me remembering the beginning of the end with Wyatt. Something that I will relive forever, it will never go away. But I refuse to allow the end to exist for Wyatt, as he will be with me and live in my heart and memories FOREVER.
---- and Idol had to have Tim McGraw come on and sing "Live like You are Dying". Really??? That was my friend Jen's song too after she passed.
Tonight, I sit here watching American Idol the final episode of the season. Last year, I did this from the hospital on May 26, 2010. It was Simon's last episode. I had been rushed by ambulance to University of Penn from West Chester. I arrived and was quickly seen by three MFM doctors who looked very concerned. I had no idea what was wrong, as I was only told that I needed to be taken to University of Penn to be seen by a specialist.
Immediately the doctors did an echo cardiogram and told me that the baby (we didn't know Wyatt's gender yet) had a minor heart defect that could definitely be fixed without any complications. With that under control, I turned on American Idol and watched the final episode of the season. Lee DeWyze won, which is who I was hoping would win. I was in tears, as I am with every final episode of the season, but this time even more so because Simon was done. It was his final show.
After the show ended, my family and husband left because visiting hours were over. I thought that things were okay. Who would have thought that the next day, May 27, 2010, could have brought one little family so much horrible news. More to come on that in later posts this week and next.
So, as I sit here watching Idol tonight, it sure does bring back some memories, both good and bad. Nolan however, is moving very much right now. It's like he knows everything that took place, like Wyatt told him about it. It's like Nolan is trying to tell me that everything is okay and not to worry.
Yesterday and today's events are nothing more than me remembering the beginning of the end with Wyatt. Something that I will relive forever, it will never go away. But I refuse to allow the end to exist for Wyatt, as he will be with me and live in my heart and memories FOREVER.
---- and Idol had to have Tim McGraw come on and sing "Live like You are Dying". Really??? That was my friend Jen's song too after she passed.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
A Day of Kindness, Check it Out!
I follow several blogs, something that I knew nothing about until I lost Wyatt. Without my blog and the other blogs I follow, I don't know where I would be today. Most of the blogs I follow are of others who are dealing with the loss of their child. However, there are others that I follow just because I find the author interesting or someone who I could learn a lot from.
Today, one of the authors blogged about a something that captured my attention. The title of the blog post was "Worldwide Rapture of Kindness Day". As I began to read the post, I found myself nodding and thinking of how wonderful it would be to participate. To do something nice for someone else in Wyatt's name, that would be priceless! Of course, I plan to participate. I don't have much money or riches, but it doesn't take that to do something nice. How hard is it to open the door for someone, talk to someone who looks like they are having a bad day, or help someone with physical labor?
I would encourage everyone to visit the blog post that caught my attention today, I think you will read it and understand what I am saying. It is like a "pay it forward" project, but this is something that is done for just one day, though it could be carried forward. It encourages us to do something nice for someone else.
The link to the blog post is HERE.
The author encourages you to share your kindness stories after the Worldwide Rapture of Kindness Day on July 27th.
I would love to hear how many are planning to participate and what you are planning to do.
Today, one of the authors blogged about a something that captured my attention. The title of the blog post was "Worldwide Rapture of Kindness Day". As I began to read the post, I found myself nodding and thinking of how wonderful it would be to participate. To do something nice for someone else in Wyatt's name, that would be priceless! Of course, I plan to participate. I don't have much money or riches, but it doesn't take that to do something nice. How hard is it to open the door for someone, talk to someone who looks like they are having a bad day, or help someone with physical labor?
I would encourage everyone to visit the blog post that caught my attention today, I think you will read it and understand what I am saying. It is like a "pay it forward" project, but this is something that is done for just one day, though it could be carried forward. It encourages us to do something nice for someone else.
The link to the blog post is HERE.
The author encourages you to share your kindness stories after the Worldwide Rapture of Kindness Day on July 27th.
I would love to hear how many are planning to participate and what you are planning to do.
" Wherever there is a human being,
there is an opportunity for kindness."
~ Unknown
Monday, May 23, 2011
"If your knees aren't green"
Of all weeks, THIS WEEK????
On Thursday, I went the to doctors for my routine 29 week visit and the doctor detected +3 blood in my urine when doing the dip stick test. I went on Thursday for a urine culture but the results didn't come back until today.
I took macrobid all weekend and laid on a heating pad all day on Friday. I felt better on Saturday and even on Sunday, but today it is starting to all come back.
I called for the results from the culture done on Thursday and was told that there was blood in the urine and some white blood cells, but no bacteria. So, the nurse stated it would be best to come in because the macrobid will only treat bacteria, of which I don't have.
Why does everything have to fall into place around the same dates with Wyatt? Nolan was conceived two weeks before Wyatt. Nolan is due two weeks before Wyatt. And May 26 was the day that I received the horrid call to get to Labor and Delivery stat!
Now today is only May 23, but we are getting close. Seriously, it has to happen this week???
On Thursday, I went the to doctors for my routine 29 week visit and the doctor detected +3 blood in my urine when doing the dip stick test. I went on Thursday for a urine culture but the results didn't come back until today.
I took macrobid all weekend and laid on a heating pad all day on Friday. I felt better on Saturday and even on Sunday, but today it is starting to all come back.
I called for the results from the culture done on Thursday and was told that there was blood in the urine and some white blood cells, but no bacteria. So, the nurse stated it would be best to come in because the macrobid will only treat bacteria, of which I don't have.
Why does everything have to fall into place around the same dates with Wyatt? Nolan was conceived two weeks before Wyatt. Nolan is due two weeks before Wyatt. And May 26 was the day that I received the horrid call to get to Labor and Delivery stat!
Now today is only May 23, but we are getting close. Seriously, it has to happen this week???
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The Cocoon
It's funny how life happens. Over the past few days, I feel as though I have been pulling further and further out of the cocoon I created for myself around this time last year. I feel that each day something else happens that makes me realize just how lost I was in my cocoon.
I was going through some photos this week that were taken over the past 3-4 years. I had to slowly click through each photo and look at everything, as I always do. While looking at the photos I noticed something. I realized that life kept moving while I was stuck in a bubble trying to become pregnant. I realized this when I came to a photo of Brian's little brother. The photo was from Christmas of 2007, which was right around the same time Brian and I started to try to conceive. The person in the photo was the person that I had been seeing each time I looked at his brother, until recently. We had a communion party this weekend and when I looked at Brian's brother I realized he had gotten much older. He went from a high school freshman to a senior, about to graduate, in a matter of a moment. That made me wonder, what else had I missed.
I quickly found myself scanning through wedding pictures of Brian and I. I realized very quickly that in four short years we had really aged. We no longer had the look of young adults. Our skin is now more blemished, we have both gained some weight (me more than him), and we now hold loss in our eyes (something that we never could have expected four years ago).
I started to realize that the time we had spent trying for our future we had actually lost our present. I don't think Brian feels this way as much as I do. But I can say, that just within the past few days, reality has set in. I had been living my life month to month while trying to conceive. That was 26 months. I was only focused on ovulation days and cycle dates, the other days were lived but not appreciated. We lost and then we started all over again.
The loss, yes, we lost Wyatt. My days were more of a burden, like carrying a load of heavy rocks. Though I had 12 weeks off for maternity leave, I did nothing. It was tough to get up, do daily tasks, and live. After returning to work it was still difficult. I was faced with hiding the pain, painting on a smile, and acting 'normal'. Again, days were lived but not appreciated.
Things are changing. I have recently realized what has been missed - four years of my life. Four years have been lived but not lived as they should have been lived. Every moment should be lived as if the moment is a gift because ultimately it is. It is funny because I thought of this while walking into work today. I was walking over the crosswalk and thought, "every moment of life should be lived like it is a gift, for we don't know when the gifts will stop being given".
Ironically (or maybe it was meant to happen), I had a conversation with a friend this morning. The conversation was about baby loss and we got on the topic of living life without living it. Seems odd that I walked into work thinking about life and then I have a conversation with a friend about it. After the conversation was over, I again realized how much I am pulling out of that cocoon that I was so comfy in. It has been awhile, but I think I may be ready to let go of the cocoon and spread my wings, not to forget but to live.
I found this poem today and wanted to share, as I think it is wonderful and does a good job with explaining my life over the past one year.
I was going through some photos this week that were taken over the past 3-4 years. I had to slowly click through each photo and look at everything, as I always do. While looking at the photos I noticed something. I realized that life kept moving while I was stuck in a bubble trying to become pregnant. I realized this when I came to a photo of Brian's little brother. The photo was from Christmas of 2007, which was right around the same time Brian and I started to try to conceive. The person in the photo was the person that I had been seeing each time I looked at his brother, until recently. We had a communion party this weekend and when I looked at Brian's brother I realized he had gotten much older. He went from a high school freshman to a senior, about to graduate, in a matter of a moment. That made me wonder, what else had I missed.
I quickly found myself scanning through wedding pictures of Brian and I. I realized very quickly that in four short years we had really aged. We no longer had the look of young adults. Our skin is now more blemished, we have both gained some weight (me more than him), and we now hold loss in our eyes (something that we never could have expected four years ago).
I started to realize that the time we had spent trying for our future we had actually lost our present. I don't think Brian feels this way as much as I do. But I can say, that just within the past few days, reality has set in. I had been living my life month to month while trying to conceive. That was 26 months. I was only focused on ovulation days and cycle dates, the other days were lived but not appreciated. We lost and then we started all over again.
The loss, yes, we lost Wyatt. My days were more of a burden, like carrying a load of heavy rocks. Though I had 12 weeks off for maternity leave, I did nothing. It was tough to get up, do daily tasks, and live. After returning to work it was still difficult. I was faced with hiding the pain, painting on a smile, and acting 'normal'. Again, days were lived but not appreciated.
Things are changing. I have recently realized what has been missed - four years of my life. Four years have been lived but not lived as they should have been lived. Every moment should be lived as if the moment is a gift because ultimately it is. It is funny because I thought of this while walking into work today. I was walking over the crosswalk and thought, "every moment of life should be lived like it is a gift, for we don't know when the gifts will stop being given".
Ironically (or maybe it was meant to happen), I had a conversation with a friend this morning. The conversation was about baby loss and we got on the topic of living life without living it. Seems odd that I walked into work thinking about life and then I have a conversation with a friend about it. After the conversation was over, I again realized how much I am pulling out of that cocoon that I was so comfy in. It has been awhile, but I think I may be ready to let go of the cocoon and spread my wings, not to forget but to live.
I found this poem today and wanted to share, as I think it is wonderful and does a good job with explaining my life over the past one year.
Don't Tell Me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
Judi Walker
(In Memory of Shane)
Copyright 1998
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
Judi Walker
(In Memory of Shane)
Copyright 1998
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Gift!
Oh.... again extremely excited!!!
I just placed my order for Brian's Father's Day gift from Wyatt. Yes, from Wyatt and not from me. Father's Day is a day for children to honor their Dad and just because my son is in Heaven does not mean that he can't honor his Daddy.
I am sure that Wyatt will send Brian a lot of signs on Father's Day, which means more than anything materialist ever can. But I wanted to ensure that Brian had something to open, something that would be a reminder of Wyatt for years to come.
So, after careful thinking and a lot of thought, I finally came up with my favorite idea.
Last year was a hard Father's Day. Wyatt passed on June 4, was delivered on June 6, and we had his service on June 12. Just a week later was Father's Day. I remember the house smelling like a greenhouse with all of the flower bouquets still around from the service. Every where I turned there was another card from a friend, family member, or co-worker. I could barely think straight and there I was trying to order a gift for a Daddy whose baby just went to Heaven. The only thing I could come up with was a coffee mug with Wyatt's photo on it. That was the best I could do. Brian loved it and still uses it. The mug has never been in the dishwasher because we just can't put Wyatt in there. We hand wash it after every use and carefully place it back into the cabinet.
This year, my mind is more clear. Believe me, the pain is still there but it is manageable now. I was able to think straight and come up with something that will be heart touching for even Brian. For starters, the Father's Day card was made with photos of Wyatt and a touching poem about an angel talking to his father. And the gift, well, the gift is just wonderful. I decided on an engraved dog tag with Wyatt's photo on the front and an engraving on the back. Since Brian doesn't read this blog (for many reasons), I can share:
I just placed my order for Brian's Father's Day gift from Wyatt. Yes, from Wyatt and not from me. Father's Day is a day for children to honor their Dad and just because my son is in Heaven does not mean that he can't honor his Daddy.
I am sure that Wyatt will send Brian a lot of signs on Father's Day, which means more than anything materialist ever can. But I wanted to ensure that Brian had something to open, something that would be a reminder of Wyatt for years to come.
So, after careful thinking and a lot of thought, I finally came up with my favorite idea.
Last year was a hard Father's Day. Wyatt passed on June 4, was delivered on June 6, and we had his service on June 12. Just a week later was Father's Day. I remember the house smelling like a greenhouse with all of the flower bouquets still around from the service. Every where I turned there was another card from a friend, family member, or co-worker. I could barely think straight and there I was trying to order a gift for a Daddy whose baby just went to Heaven. The only thing I could come up with was a coffee mug with Wyatt's photo on it. That was the best I could do. Brian loved it and still uses it. The mug has never been in the dishwasher because we just can't put Wyatt in there. We hand wash it after every use and carefully place it back into the cabinet.
This year, my mind is more clear. Believe me, the pain is still there but it is manageable now. I was able to think straight and come up with something that will be heart touching for even Brian. For starters, the Father's Day card was made with photos of Wyatt and a touching poem about an angel talking to his father. And the gift, well, the gift is just wonderful. I decided on an engraved dog tag with Wyatt's photo on the front and an engraving on the back. Since Brian doesn't read this blog (for many reasons), I can share:
I can't wait for this precious gift to arrive, then I have to hold off until Father's Day to give it to Brian. Oh the wait. I am so excited to see his face when he receives it.
So, what are you planning on doing for your baby's father this year for Father's Day????
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Tomorrow For Which I Never Had
Today marks 29 weeks and 1 day gestation for little Nolan James. Today is a milestone, for 29 weeks and 1 day is the length of time for which I carried Wyatt. June 4, 2010 marked 29 weeks and 1 day of Wyatt's pregnancy. That was the same day that the surgery was performed. The surgery that proved to be unsuccessful.
I started thinking of how today is a special day for Nolan's pregnancy, as it was the last day of Wyatt's pregnancy. But I found myself not able to look beyond this point. For tomorrow may be different, but today I just couldn't do it.
Nolan was quiet today, he didn't move very much. Was it because he wanted me to remember Wyatt? Maybe he knew that today was a somber mark. Whatever it was, his mood mirrored mine or maybe mine mirrored his.
Tomorrow will bring new feelings, as I haven't ever carried a baby beyond 29 weeks and 1 day. I never really experienced a full term pregnancy. I find it ironic that we have an ultrasound, our third, to see Nolan tomorrow. Tomorrow, the same tomorrow for which I never had with Wyatt. Maybe it was all meant to unfold this way. Whatever the reason, tomorrow we will be able to see our second son at 29 weeks and 2 days, and we are excited for this tomorrow!
I started thinking of how today is a special day for Nolan's pregnancy, as it was the last day of Wyatt's pregnancy. But I found myself not able to look beyond this point. For tomorrow may be different, but today I just couldn't do it.
Nolan was quiet today, he didn't move very much. Was it because he wanted me to remember Wyatt? Maybe he knew that today was a somber mark. Whatever it was, his mood mirrored mine or maybe mine mirrored his.
Tomorrow will bring new feelings, as I haven't ever carried a baby beyond 29 weeks and 1 day. I never really experienced a full term pregnancy. I find it ironic that we have an ultrasound, our third, to see Nolan tomorrow. Tomorrow, the same tomorrow for which I never had with Wyatt. Maybe it was all meant to unfold this way. Whatever the reason, tomorrow we will be able to see our second son at 29 weeks and 2 days, and we are excited for this tomorrow!
Pepsi Refresh Project
Okay, I am so excited and I haven't even submitted the application yet!!!! Pepsi has what they call a Pepsi Refresh Project where they will extend grants based on need and votes. I have finally completed an application for Wyatt's Wishes and it will be submitted next month.
Applications are only taken during the first week of a new month, so I have to hang tight until June. But it is fitting, as June will mark Wyatt's one year since he left us.
Oh how I pray that we are one of the 15 selected for June. It would be great to make Wyatt's Wishes an all out reality!! I would be so happy and I could just see Wyatt's smile looking down from Heaven.
Once the application is submitted, I will send out the link so everyone can begin to vote for us. Oh, please please please vote for us!!!
Applications are only taken during the first week of a new month, so I have to hang tight until June. But it is fitting, as June will mark Wyatt's one year since he left us.
Oh how I pray that we are one of the 15 selected for June. It would be great to make Wyatt's Wishes an all out reality!! I would be so happy and I could just see Wyatt's smile looking down from Heaven.
Once the application is submitted, I will send out the link so everyone can begin to vote for us. Oh, please please please vote for us!!!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Lovin' this Hobby!
The rain this weekend kept me from being very productive. The weather on Saturday was just blah. So what did I do? Yea, I pulled out some yarn and started to crochet.
I find myself in love with this hobby. It is something that I started before Wyatt was born. I made little Wyatt several blankets and he stayed bundled up in my favorite during his stay with us in the hospital. Since that time, I have been crocheting much more.
I have already made Nolan several little hats, a blanket, and a pair of no stratch mittens. This weekend I decided to put my skills to the test again and I made a cute little girls hat, a pair of gender neutral no stratch mittens, and a gender neutral bib. I am lovin' the bib!!!
I find myself in love with this hobby. It is something that I started before Wyatt was born. I made little Wyatt several blankets and he stayed bundled up in my favorite during his stay with us in the hospital. Since that time, I have been crocheting much more.
I have already made Nolan several little hats, a blanket, and a pair of no stratch mittens. This weekend I decided to put my skills to the test again and I made a cute little girls hat, a pair of gender neutral no stratch mittens, and a gender neutral bib. I am lovin' the bib!!!
So, what do you think???? As I said earlier, I am lovin' this hobby and having so much fun creating so many adorable things. If you are interested in any of my items, please check out my ETSY shop by clicking HERE.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
The Communion
What started off as a rainy, gross day actually turned out to be very nice. The sun decided to peak it's face around the noon hour. It was just in time for our niece's Holy Communion.
Of course, Brian and I were a few minutes late to the church, but we managed to still walk in with several others. We sat down and joined in the mass.
When mass is directed toward children I always find it interesting to really listen to what the Priest is saying. I enjoy the way the Priest will take it down a few notches so the kids understand. Today was no different, the Priest was doing his sermon on the Crucifixion and "knowing the voice of God". The Priest said something that really made me think. He said, "Those who do it all right still have to suffer. Look at Jesus, he did nothing wrong, he committed no sins and he suffered for all of us. So sometimes for us to have the one thing that we really want, we have to suffer." As the Priest was saying this, I thought of Wyatt.
Sometimes it's amazing the signs that we get and where we get them. Today, mine came during the communion, where we remembered Christ's death and I remembered my son's.
Of course, Brian and I were a few minutes late to the church, but we managed to still walk in with several others. We sat down and joined in the mass.
When mass is directed toward children I always find it interesting to really listen to what the Priest is saying. I enjoy the way the Priest will take it down a few notches so the kids understand. Today was no different, the Priest was doing his sermon on the Crucifixion and "knowing the voice of God". The Priest said something that really made me think. He said, "Those who do it all right still have to suffer. Look at Jesus, he did nothing wrong, he committed no sins and he suffered for all of us. So sometimes for us to have the one thing that we really want, we have to suffer." As the Priest was saying this, I thought of Wyatt.
Sometimes it's amazing the signs that we get and where we get them. Today, mine came during the communion, where we remembered Christ's death and I remembered my son's.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
An Event Planner in the Future?
Oh my gosh! For the first time in quite some time I have been having fun. You see, Wyatt's one year birthday is coming up next month and I have decided that we will be celebrating his one year with a monkey party.
Wyatt's one year means a lot to me mainly because it doesn't seem like it has been a full year. But it also means a lot because all Mommy's go all out for their baby's first birthday. Though Wyatt passed two days before he was delivered, I consider the day I delivered him to be his birthday. It was the day he entered into this world. It is something that Wyatt and I will always share, our birthdays!!!!
Since Brian and I called Wyatt "Our Little Monkey", we decided to do a monkey themed party. For the past several days I have been searching the Internet looking for monkey decor that I could create myself. I also wanted to ensure that a lot of the food was monkey related.
I still have a lot of work ahead of me, which is fine because I am enjoying every minute of it. The invitations were already sent, so now I just need to get creative.
I will not post photos of the items that I have made until after the party, but I would like to share with you some of the ideas I have found to use for Wyatt's party.
Wyatt's one year means a lot to me mainly because it doesn't seem like it has been a full year. But it also means a lot because all Mommy's go all out for their baby's first birthday. Though Wyatt passed two days before he was delivered, I consider the day I delivered him to be his birthday. It was the day he entered into this world. It is something that Wyatt and I will always share, our birthdays!!!!
Since Brian and I called Wyatt "Our Little Monkey", we decided to do a monkey themed party. For the past several days I have been searching the Internet looking for monkey decor that I could create myself. I also wanted to ensure that a lot of the food was monkey related.
I still have a lot of work ahead of me, which is fine because I am enjoying every minute of it. The invitations were already sent, so now I just need to get creative.
I will not post photos of the items that I have made until after the party, but I would like to share with you some of the ideas I have found to use for Wyatt's party.
Lovin' this banner!! Of course, I have already made one similar to this for Wyatt's party. This was project #1. It only took me three hours, but I enjoyed every minute of it.
These favors are just adorable. Yes, I will be creating these for all of our nieces and nephews!
Oh yes, inflatable monkeys!!! We already ordered several.
Aren't they so cute? Yep, I will be making these little monkeys instead of a cake!
Okay, now let's talk about the menu. So far I have found recipes for banana pudding, BBQ'd bananas (yes, my thoughts too, but they actually don't sound that bad after reading the recipe), banana smoothies, and monkey balls. I am also doing banana chips! Yep, we have officially gone bananas over this party!!!
So, as you can see it's going to be a jungle of a time. As much as I have been dreading Wyatt's one year birthday, I am actually looking forward to it. I pray that Wyatt is looking down and that he is pleased with the fact that we are honoring him and that we are having fun doing it. I am so happy that we decided to do this party for him. Our little monkey is going to have a monkey bash!!!
Where does the event planner fit in? Well, I am having so much fun creating this party and working out every little detail that I thought maybe one day in the future event planning would fall into my lap. How much fun would that be? Oh, I would love it!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day 2011
So, what really is Mother's Day?
According to Wikipedia, the modern Mother's Day is celebrated on various days in many parts of the world, yet most commonly in March, April, or May as a day to honor mothers and motherhood.
There you have it, a day to honor mothers and motherhood. Typically, a mother would spend that day with their child. But when you are a BLM and the only child you gave birth to is in Heaven that is a bit difficult.
My day today was somber. Not too happy, not too sad, more so just another reminder of the son that is no longer with me. It was basically another stab to a heart that has been slashed several times before. It was a day of remembering and a day of planting life for Wyatt. Brian and I worked on Wyatt's flower garden today, planted the front flowers, and talked of Wyatt often. Of course, Nolan was talked of as well. He decided to wish me a Happy Mother's Day early this morning by kicking and moving my belly all morning.
Wyatt decided to come through with his signs today. On the way to Lowe's we heard one of Wyatt's songs, "Airplanes" by BoB. Then on the way home from my Mom's this small little plane flew right over us while driving. Not even five minutes later, I noticed another jet plane in the sky with white condensation clouds flowing from behind. And about a minute later I saw another.
Mother's Day without my first child really sucked, but so does everyday. It is like I have been torn from my soul and there is no way to get it back. It's like I am trapped in a world far far away from him and no plane or train will ever bring us together. It's as though we are separated forever. However, I have grown to learn that if I look for the signs and believe, he really is near. We are actually closer than it may seem. He shows that with planes, butterflies, dragonflies, feathers, and many other things.
Wyatt was with me today! He was there at different times and he was talking to me. In his several signs, Wyatt was saying, "Mommy, Happy Mother's Day!"
According to Wikipedia, the modern Mother's Day is celebrated on various days in many parts of the world, yet most commonly in March, April, or May as a day to honor mothers and motherhood.
There you have it, a day to honor mothers and motherhood. Typically, a mother would spend that day with their child. But when you are a BLM and the only child you gave birth to is in Heaven that is a bit difficult.
My day today was somber. Not too happy, not too sad, more so just another reminder of the son that is no longer with me. It was basically another stab to a heart that has been slashed several times before. It was a day of remembering and a day of planting life for Wyatt. Brian and I worked on Wyatt's flower garden today, planted the front flowers, and talked of Wyatt often. Of course, Nolan was talked of as well. He decided to wish me a Happy Mother's Day early this morning by kicking and moving my belly all morning.
Wyatt decided to come through with his signs today. On the way to Lowe's we heard one of Wyatt's songs, "Airplanes" by BoB. Then on the way home from my Mom's this small little plane flew right over us while driving. Not even five minutes later, I noticed another jet plane in the sky with white condensation clouds flowing from behind. And about a minute later I saw another.
Mother's Day without my first child really sucked, but so does everyday. It is like I have been torn from my soul and there is no way to get it back. It's like I am trapped in a world far far away from him and no plane or train will ever bring us together. It's as though we are separated forever. However, I have grown to learn that if I look for the signs and believe, he really is near. We are actually closer than it may seem. He shows that with planes, butterflies, dragonflies, feathers, and many other things.
Wyatt was with me today! He was there at different times and he was talking to me. In his several signs, Wyatt was saying, "Mommy, Happy Mother's Day!"
Because I feel that in the heavens above
The angels, whispering one to another,
Can find among their burning tears of love,
None so devotional as that of "Mother,"
Therefore, by that dear name I have long called you,
You who are more than mother unto me.
~Edgar Allan Poe
The angels, whispering one to another,
Can find among their burning tears of love,
None so devotional as that of "Mother,"
Therefore, by that dear name I have long called you,
You who are more than mother unto me.
~Edgar Allan Poe
Thursday, May 5, 2011
A Special Gift!
I received a special gift today, a Mother's Day gift. It couldn't have come at a better time, as today was a hard day. I participated in a Mother's Day gift swap, as I mentioned in a previous post, and today my special gift arrived.
Anticipation of what was in the box took over. I quickly opened the box and was in awe. The gift was perfect and all about Wyatt.
Talk about a special Mother's Day gift. It was like Wyatt made it for me. So very special and unique. I can't thank the mother who made this gift enough. She ensured that every piece of the gift was perfect.
Anticipation of what was in the box took over. I quickly opened the box and was in awe. The gift was perfect and all about Wyatt.
Talk about a special Mother's Day gift. It was like Wyatt made it for me. So very special and unique. I can't thank the mother who made this gift enough. She ensured that every piece of the gift was perfect.
In My Heart
It's approaching... another dreaded day, Mother's Day, another reminder of the baby boy that I don't hold in my arms. I recently found a quote that applies here, "Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever."
Sadly, my short while was a mere 28 hours, even less for the fact that I didn't hold him the entire time as I was too tired thanks to the medications. I guess one could say I did hold him for 29 weeks and 1 day inside me, so that counts too. But it is still too short.
Previously I had posted that I wouldn't take a wish if presented to me, only because I wouldn't know what he would have to go through to make my wish come true. But today, with Mother's Day drawing near, I wish I could see my child one more time. I would love to hold him, kiss him, and touch that little wrinkle in his forehead. I would love for so much more, but it will never happen.
All I can do now is try to understand that he is in a better place, free from hurt and pain. He is somewhere special that I shall long to be. He is where I will see him after this life and until then he will remain in my heart while I hold onto his heart!
Sadly, my short while was a mere 28 hours, even less for the fact that I didn't hold him the entire time as I was too tired thanks to the medications. I guess one could say I did hold him for 29 weeks and 1 day inside me, so that counts too. But it is still too short.
Previously I had posted that I wouldn't take a wish if presented to me, only because I wouldn't know what he would have to go through to make my wish come true. But today, with Mother's Day drawing near, I wish I could see my child one more time. I would love to hold him, kiss him, and touch that little wrinkle in his forehead. I would love for so much more, but it will never happen.
All I can do now is try to understand that he is in a better place, free from hurt and pain. He is somewhere special that I shall long to be. He is where I will see him after this life and until then he will remain in my heart while I hold onto his heart!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Are you there God? It's me, Megan...
Have you read the book? If you have, you know the one I am referring to. The book is called, "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret." I read this book back in the fifth grade, even did a book report on it. I never thought that I would be sitting here blogging about it so many years later.
While laying on my bed after returning home from work tonight, I found myself repeating the title of the book in my head while starring at Wyatt's picture and feeling Nolan kick in my stomach. Several thoughts rang through my mind, "What a strange place to be? Stuck in a world without my first son, while awaiting the arrival of my second son. Still mourning the loss of the tragic events that took place 11 months ago, while rejoicing the fact that a miracle took place just a few short months afterwards."
As I laid there thinking of my life, I found myself reciting the title of the book again but replacing Margaret with Megan. I followed it with "I NEED to know if my son, Wyatt, is okay." Then the tears flowed.
In this life, I don't know what is worse. Is it worse to lose your son to a congenital heart defect that not even the best doctors in the US can explain to you how or what caused the defect? Or to wonder everyday if something you did could have caused his heart defects? Or to lose your son and wonder if he ever felt pain or if he suffered? Or to lose the child you tried 26 months to create, the golden egg that was retrieved during IVF, the special child? Or to lose your child without hearing him cry, seeing his eyes, watching him move? Or to deliver your child and when he is supposed to be crying only hear silence, then look at your husband and realize that your child will never make a sound? Or is it worse to question what happens after life? To wonder if your child is safe? Is your child really looking down on you? Will you ever see your child again?
I don't have the answer. Each question sucks! I never thought I would have to relate to any of those questions. But I do. Pretty soon, I will be faced with new questions. With the excitement of a new little life getting ready to join our family, I face the dread of the questions that may come. The many questions and statements that start with "what if" and "it could have been". But regardless of the dread, they are still going to come. I pray that the excitement out weighs the dreaded questions and statements, but in the end, I realize that they will still present themselves.
So I end this post with a quote from the book:
"Are you still there God? It's me, Margaret. I know you're there God. I know you wouldn't have missed this for anything! Thank you God. Thanks an awful lot..."
While laying on my bed after returning home from work tonight, I found myself repeating the title of the book in my head while starring at Wyatt's picture and feeling Nolan kick in my stomach. Several thoughts rang through my mind, "What a strange place to be? Stuck in a world without my first son, while awaiting the arrival of my second son. Still mourning the loss of the tragic events that took place 11 months ago, while rejoicing the fact that a miracle took place just a few short months afterwards."
As I laid there thinking of my life, I found myself reciting the title of the book again but replacing Margaret with Megan. I followed it with "I NEED to know if my son, Wyatt, is okay." Then the tears flowed.
In this life, I don't know what is worse. Is it worse to lose your son to a congenital heart defect that not even the best doctors in the US can explain to you how or what caused the defect? Or to wonder everyday if something you did could have caused his heart defects? Or to lose your son and wonder if he ever felt pain or if he suffered? Or to lose the child you tried 26 months to create, the golden egg that was retrieved during IVF, the special child? Or to lose your child without hearing him cry, seeing his eyes, watching him move? Or to deliver your child and when he is supposed to be crying only hear silence, then look at your husband and realize that your child will never make a sound? Or is it worse to question what happens after life? To wonder if your child is safe? Is your child really looking down on you? Will you ever see your child again?
I don't have the answer. Each question sucks! I never thought I would have to relate to any of those questions. But I do. Pretty soon, I will be faced with new questions. With the excitement of a new little life getting ready to join our family, I face the dread of the questions that may come. The many questions and statements that start with "what if" and "it could have been". But regardless of the dread, they are still going to come. I pray that the excitement out weighs the dreaded questions and statements, but in the end, I realize that they will still present themselves.
So I end this post with a quote from the book:
"Are you still there God? It's me, Margaret. I know you're there God. I know you wouldn't have missed this for anything! Thank you God. Thanks an awful lot..."
Monday, May 2, 2011
Busy, busy, busy!!!
Wow... so much to blog about, where shall I start?
1. Wyatt's Whisper blog giveaway - The winner of our 10,000 view giveaway was Shannon. I had so much fun reading every one's comments and enjoyed the fact that each of you selected different posts as your favorites. Shopping for Shannon's giveaway bag and gifts was just as fun. Thank you to each of you who participated.
1. Wyatt's Whisper blog giveaway - The winner of our 10,000 view giveaway was Shannon. I had so much fun reading every one's comments and enjoyed the fact that each of you selected different posts as your favorites. Shopping for Shannon's giveaway bag and gifts was just as fun. Thank you to each of you who participated.
2. BLM Mother's Day Exchange - Just as I participated in the Holiday Ornament Swap, I chose to participate in the Mother's Day Exchange also. I find these exchanges to be heart touching and helpful. It is nice to exchange a small gift from one BLM to another, as it reminds me that I am not alone in my feelings during each holiday.
The only rule to the exchange was to ensure flowers were incorporated into the gift so the mother would receive flowers for Mother's Day. I decided to crochet two roses and stitch them to a summery bag. Additionally, I found a few cute gifts to include in the bag. I can't wait until the gift is received!!!
I totally love this bag!
3. March for Babies Walk - Okay so I really did try to participate in this walk. I wanted to be there to show our support and march for Wyatt, but that didn't happen. The doctor stated it wasn't too smart to walk in a 5k when I was just complaining about shortness of breath and I had bleeding only a few weeks before. It's okay though, I found out that there is another Start Heart Walk in September for the AHA that we will be registering to participate in!
4. Nolan's Registry - Yes!!! Nolan's registry is 100% complete. Do you know how much it took out of me to do that registry? Wyatt's registry was the last thing that I did before he passed. I literally completed Wyatt's just four days before we learned that his heart was so bad he probably wasn't going to make it. So doing Nolan's registry was that much harder, but it is finally 100% complete. And no, I didn't do it the traditional way, we are not registered at the "Let me rob you!" Babies R Us store. Instead, we are registered at the reasonable and one of my favorites french boutiques called "Target". LOL!!!
5. Nolan's Nursery - What was to be Wyatt's nursery that he never made it home to is now Nolan's. The furniture is complete and all of the 0-3 month clothing is washed and put away. We still have a few "touch ups" to take care of, the closet doors need painting, and I need to order the Pooh quote to put on the wall. But for the most part, Nolan's room is in move in shape!
6. Etsy Hats - OMGosh! Who would have thought that the hats would have taken off so well. I am actually behind on a few orders, but to date we have sold nine hats. We have sold hats to friends at work, BLM friends, and others who have found us through friends. I am so pleased to make each hat and I look forward to making many others. The most recent pattern I completed was the owl hat called "What a Hoot", what do you think?
7. Angel Care Package Challenge - We are on our way to hitting our challenge goal of 20 packages by June 6, 2011. I have received several blanket donations. Additionally, I have received many emails and FB posts stating donations will be made. I can't thank everyone enough for your kindness. It will mean the world to me to achieve this challenge and to give to other families during their times of need. Remember, if you would like to donate, please visit the Angel Care Package Challenge FB page for details, just click HERE.
As you can see we have been super busy. I realized today that I have surpassed the 1st of this month, which means we have less than three months until Nolan Bear arrives. I can't believe that this means it has been almost one year since Our Little Monkey has been gone from us, but it has been. He is missed every day and he will continue to be missed until we are reunited. We have been planning Wyatt's One Year Angelversary also, more on this to come, but it has been fun and heart wrenching at the same time.
Well, time for me to end this post and go back to my busy life. More to come soon!!!
I totally love this bag!
3. March for Babies Walk - Okay so I really did try to participate in this walk. I wanted to be there to show our support and march for Wyatt, but that didn't happen. The doctor stated it wasn't too smart to walk in a 5k when I was just complaining about shortness of breath and I had bleeding only a few weeks before. It's okay though, I found out that there is another Start Heart Walk in September for the AHA that we will be registering to participate in!
4. Nolan's Registry - Yes!!! Nolan's registry is 100% complete. Do you know how much it took out of me to do that registry? Wyatt's registry was the last thing that I did before he passed. I literally completed Wyatt's just four days before we learned that his heart was so bad he probably wasn't going to make it. So doing Nolan's registry was that much harder, but it is finally 100% complete. And no, I didn't do it the traditional way, we are not registered at the "Let me rob you!" Babies R Us store. Instead, we are registered at the reasonable and one of my favorites french boutiques called "Target". LOL!!!
5. Nolan's Nursery - What was to be Wyatt's nursery that he never made it home to is now Nolan's. The furniture is complete and all of the 0-3 month clothing is washed and put away. We still have a few "touch ups" to take care of, the closet doors need painting, and I need to order the Pooh quote to put on the wall. But for the most part, Nolan's room is in move in shape!
7. Angel Care Package Challenge - We are on our way to hitting our challenge goal of 20 packages by June 6, 2011. I have received several blanket donations. Additionally, I have received many emails and FB posts stating donations will be made. I can't thank everyone enough for your kindness. It will mean the world to me to achieve this challenge and to give to other families during their times of need. Remember, if you would like to donate, please visit the Angel Care Package Challenge FB page for details, just click HERE.
As you can see we have been super busy. I realized today that I have surpassed the 1st of this month, which means we have less than three months until Nolan Bear arrives. I can't believe that this means it has been almost one year since Our Little Monkey has been gone from us, but it has been. He is missed every day and he will continue to be missed until we are reunited. We have been planning Wyatt's One Year Angelversary also, more on this to come, but it has been fun and heart wrenching at the same time.
Well, time for me to end this post and go back to my busy life. More to come soon!!!
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