Forever Changed

As I sit and look out of my living room window at the peacefulness of the snow falling lightly this morning, I can't help but wonder if my life will ever become peaceful again.  One never appreciates what they have until it is gone.  I have learned this several times over the past seven months. 

Funny how when we are children we wish we were adults, then when we are adults we wish just the opposite.  It seems to be this way for a lot in our lives.  We wish we could be rich, but then it only causes other issues.  We want a bigger house or a nicer car but that brings larger payments of money that we don't have.  We always think the grass is greener on a different side, but that is never the case. 

I had a melt down last night.  One the caused the "peacefulness" of the past two months to end abruptly.  Yesterday was seven month since I saw my son for the first time.  There was not one mention of his name from anyone, minus words on Facebook.  Understanding that it was the seventh month mark and not a huge milestone, I didn't expect much, but to me it was still the sixth, and no one bothered to mention his name.   I feared this day more than any.  The day his name would go unsaid. 

I have dealt with the pain of learning the perfect pregnancy was coming to a wrongful end.  I have lived through the grief of losing my child.  I survived many months of agony, as special dates such as his baby shower, his due date, the first holiday he was to be with us, the six month mark, and even Christmas all came and passed without him. 

Yesterday, however, hurt.  It was another date that should have been remembered.  One that meant something to me.  One that was spent thinking of how there are only five months until his one year. To me it was like I had hit the downhill side of things.  And as I said before, the grass isn't greener on a different side.

Yesterday, I came across a post a friend had found and it was perfect.  Perfect timing, the wording was just right, and it said everything that it needed to say... Here it is:

How Grief Feels

by Heather on January 5, 2011

You have a lump in your throat.

You’re nauseous.

The wind is knocked out of you.

Every inch of your body hurts, even your hair.

Yet you feel like your limbs aren’t attached to your torso.

All you want to do is sleep, but closing your eyes brings horrible images.

You scream, but your voice is gone.

Crying hurts.

Breathing hurts.

Living hurts.

Your head is splitting, and your ears are ringing.

There are bruises on your knees from being knocked to the ground.

You carry 1,000 pounds on your shoulders 24 hours a day.

You’re exhausted.

People speak around you, but you feel like you’re in a bubble.

There is always a sense of dread.

Your heart is broken.

You feel all of this all the time.

And yet…

This is only the tip of how grief feels.

This post reminded me that I have passed the tip of grief.  I am somewhere closer to the middle now, the point where I can provide my story to others, look back and see improvement, and begin to focus on a new little life who is currently developing, thanks to little Wyatt.  Though I am doing better than what I was while I was standing (well more like kneeling) at the tip of grief, I can say that the grass still isn't greener.  Just like life, grief is no different.  The grass isn't and will never be greener on a different side.  How could it be, when my son still isn't here with me. 

So, I suppose I can answer my very own question.  No, life will never be as peaceful as it was before.  I will always feel that lump in my throat, the sense of dread when I think of the fact that he is gone, and the broken heart that will be carried forever.  Just like when one realizes the grass is not greener, I have realized that my life will never be the same.  I am forever changed.