Forward, Backward

Last night I had one of those "he is supposed to be here with us" moments. These moments suck. There isn't another way to put it.

I don't know how to describe what these moments are like but these are the moments when I realize that he is gone FOREVER. I remember thinking at the one month mark, that he would be returning. In my heart, I knew at the hospital that he was gone. But in my mind, it just felt as though someone was borrowing him until his due date.

Now that his due date has come and gone, that's it. My heart and mind are on the same page. He is never coming back. I will never hold MY child in my arms, see him smile, hear him call me Mommy. I will never teach him what life is about, instead he has taught me.

People continue to tell me how strong I have been and how proud they are of me. To that I have to laugh. I am not strong. It's not like I am trying or working towards accomplishing something, like I do with other things in my life. I am just living each day, one day at a time. And why would someone be proud? There is nothing to be proud about. I delivered a child who couldn't even enjoy a moment in this world.

I often wonder if my child suffered his entire life. They say that his heart condition developed between weeks 8 to 10. So was pain the only thing that my child knew? I continue to go back in time and think about what I was doing at weeks 8-10. But that just allows for unanswered "what ifs".

If you are reading this and you think that I need help or I am not healing, you need to think again. Sometimes to take a step foward, you have to take two steps backwards. I am so tired of hearing that I need to move on, put it behind me. You step in my shoes. How would you feel if you didn't know if your child was suffering for 29 weeks? How would you feel if you tried to conceive for 26 months and you were let down EVERY SINGLE MONTH. How would you feel, if you finally accomplished your dreams and then you woke up one day and they were all CRUSHED? How would you feel if you lost your child and you were standing in the dark because you had no clue if you could even conceive again.

When you can answer all of those questions, then tell me to move on and put it behind me.

I will continue to move forward, but that means there are times when I must move backward. That is how life works. Think about it. We are always pushed to move forward in life, develop new skills, become independent. But in the end, we are not independent. In the end, we all will move backward and become dependent on someone else. That's the story of life, move forward to eventually move backward.