Big Brother

So many emotions have been running through my body over the past month.  Now the time is near, within 24 hours, Wyatt, you are going to be a big brother.  Well, you already are, but he is arriving either tomorrow or Tuesday.  I can't believe it.  What a gift you have given to your Daddy and I. 

So many emotions because this brings back the memories of your delivery just one year ago.  It brings back the words of the doctors and the very short time that we were able to spend together.  I makes me realize just how much we have missed out on, though I know that you there looking down and at times I feel you beside me.

Can you believe it, baby boy?  You are a big brother.  You are and will always be our first son, our precious angel, our golden egg.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever take that away! 

In about 24 hours, Mommy is going to be put on Pitocin to help baby Nolan arrive sooner.  We are hoping it happens quick, but within 24-48 hours your little brother will be here.  I am sure you are more aware of his arrival than we are. 

We pray that he is perfect and that you will watch over him to ensure all is okay.  Mommy and Daddy plan to tell him all about you, throughout his life.  We know that you will be there, we know that you wouldn't miss this, as he was your gift to us. 

We love you Wyatt and we miss you more and more every day.  We wish you could be here to be with us and your new little brother.  Mommy still hasn't figured out the reason why, but for some reason, God decided our lives had to be this way.  I am sure you know the answer and Mommy will figure it out before she comes to be with you.  But for now, please promise Mommy that you will never leave our sides, you will be there looking over us forever, and that you will be the best big brother ever.  In return, Mommy promises to cherish your gift, love you forever, keep your memory alive, and be with you when God says the time is right. 

We love you baby boy and we miss you very very much. 

What Could Have Beens

It's been a while since I blogged here, but that is mainly because I have been super busy with hospital trips for these kidney stones.  This weekend marked the third trip to the hospital which resulted in three days of stay there in labor and delivery. 

Wyatt's pregnancy was cake compared to everything that has gone on during this pregnancy.  Though carrying Wyatt was difficult, due to the amount of fluid that cause discomfort, these stones with this pregnancy are giving me a run for my money. 

Over the past few days, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what delivery for this pregnancy is going to be like.  Wyatt's delivery was so unreal.  I was pushing and telling the doctors when the contractions would come before they would even show up on the monitor.  I remember watching Brian's face as our first son was delivered and held by the doctors.  His face went from happy to immediate sadness.  That's what happens when you realize that what the doctors had been saying was real, our son was no longer alive. 

I continue to think about Nolan's delivery and how much happiness will fill the room when we hear his cry.  But then I think of the sadness that will be present as well as we remember the delivery of our little Wyatt. 

I have come to grips with the fact, that there are going to be a lot of happy times that turn sad in the next few weeks.  Not because we aren't happy but because of reminders of what could have been with our first son, Wyatt.  There will be smiles, giggles, laughter, and cheers.  But behind all of them there will be heartache, cries, and tears.  I am aware of this though I am not prepare for it. 

There are times over the past few weeks when I find myself thinking that I may not be able to take home a baby this time either.  It must be something that many BLMs feel at least once as they get closer to delivery.  I have felt it several times and it takes my breath away.  I try to tell myself that everything is going to be perfect with Nolan and that he will be coming home with us, but it isn't always that easy. 

I am ready to meet my second son, our little Nolan.  I am ready to bring home a baby and watch him grow.  I am ready for the cries and the smiles.  I am ready for the diapers and the bottles.  But I am not ready to have my heart broken in a million pieces once again, as we realize the "what could have beens".  

Oh Dragonfly, My Dragonfly!

Over the past few days, I have seen a few dragonflies, something I never saw much of last year.  The only one I saw last year was amazing though.  It was laying on the carpet outside and even let me touch it several times.  I honestly thought it was dead, but after going back outside to look at it again, it was gone. 

As I said before, I have seen several dragonflies over the past few days though.  It's amazing.  They come and get close to my face, fly in place for a few seconds, and then fly up to the sky.  Today, while standing by our pool with my mom and niece, one came flying by.  It took me off guard at first, but then I stood to watch it. 

Most of the ones I have seen have green in them, the one today was solid black.  I thought to myself for a moment, said a prayer for Wyatt, told him I loved him, and then the dragonfly flew off.  "Oh dragonfly, my dragonfly, come back", I wanted to yell.

Many people don't believe in signs from those who have left us, but me, I do.  These dragonflies, butterflies, and other things that are presented to me have a way about them.  They don't just fly by, they make sure they make their presence known. 

Yesterday marked 13 months since the day Wyatt entered the world.  13 months, how the heck did that happen?  Today I received a sign from him, and I know it was his way of telling me he is safe and watching over us. 

We love you little boy and oh how we wish you could come back to us.

When the Time is Right

These days, I have spent a lot of time talking to Wyatt.  I have been sick with kidney stones since 6/6 (yes, mine and Wyatt's birthday).  Since then, I have been dealing with a tube and then a kidney infection.  The tube has to stay in until two weeks after Nolan arrives.  So, I've been talking to Wyatt and asking for him to ensure I stay strong during this ordeal.  I know looking back, I will some day laugh at the fact that this pregnancy couldn't be easy either, but that laughing will not occur anytime soon. 

In talking with Wyatt, I have realized how much I have grown.  I can look at photos and not sob for hours.  I can talk to him and not have tears dripping down my face.  I feel as though when I talk with him now, he is right there listening, like he is looking down over me.  I didn't feel like this last year. 

Last year I felt as though Wyatt was forever away from me.  We were miles and miles apart and that nothing would ever reunite us again.  Over the past few weeks, I feel as though he is right beside me.  There are times I feel that he is sitting beside me, with his little head turned, and looking at me.  I have even had a few dreams in the past week or so which have caused me to believe that he is actually here.  It's strange I know, but it is true.

I saw him the other night, or I think it was him, in a dream.  The image hasn't left my mind.  A cute little boy, with light brown hair and big brown eyes.  He was smiling back at me with only a few teeth.  I don't remember much of the other details about him, but I know that it was him. 

I wonder if this is because we are getting close to Nolan's due date?  Or if it is a sign telling me that Wyatt is okay?  I imagine whatever it is, I am only meant to know what I believe I know now, that Wyatt is safe, happy, and free from pain. 

Many times when I begin to talk to Wyatt I feel that my conversations are going to be one sided.  However, I have come to realize that he is there ready to talk back.  But only when the time is right.

"Don't Cry for Me Daddy"

Today is Father's Day, a special day when father's are honored for being wonderful role models to their children.  But what happens if your first born is in Heaven and your second isn't here yet?

Well, you still celebrate, because you are still a wonderful father.  You are the one that he looks to from up above and the one he sends his signs to.  You are his father and you always will be.  You will be the father he looks for when you enter Heaven. 

Yes, today is Father's Day.  A reminder for BLDs that their child is not with them here on Earth.  Though today will be hard, my plan is to make Brian's Father's Day enjoyable.  He will received the dog tag that was made for him that has Wyatt's picture and message from Wyatt to his Daddy on it.  Afterwards, we are heading to Brian's families house for dinner. 

This day last year, Brian received a coffee mug with Wyatt's photo on it.  It was his first ever Father's Day and it was only a few short days after we lost our little Wyatt.  Talk about hard, it couldn't have gotten much harder.  This year the pain is still there, but we have learned to cope with it just a bit.  This year we also have another little one on the way, making Brian a Daddy times two!

I had a Father's Day card made for Brian this year, because Hallmark doesn't make one for a father whose child is in Heaven.  The card has photos of Brian and Wyatt on the front and the inside says:

 Don't Cry for Me Daddy

Don't cry for me Daddy, I'm right here.

Although you can't see me, I see your tears.

I visit you often, I go to work with you each day,

And when it's time for you to close your eyes, on your pillow is where I lay.

I hold your hand and stroke your hair, and whisper in your ear.

If you're sad today Daddy, remember, I am here.

Good took me home.  This we know it true.

But you'll always be My Daddy even though I'm not with you.

We will never be apart, for every time you think of me,

Please know I'm in your Heart.

Beautiful, isn't it?  I think this is the best poem I have found for a father to date. 

Wishing all fathers, especially BLDs, a very Happy Father's Day.

Little Stones That Cause Much Pain

I haven't been posting lately here, as I have been laid up with kidney stones since June 6th.  Yep, another horrible June 6th, not as bad as last year though.

I took off work this year on June 6th thinking it would be best so I wasn't in a place of professionalism when I couldn't be professional at all.  I knew that Wyatt's birthday would be tough, he would have been one.  Not only is June 6th Wyatt's birthday, but it is my birthday also.  We are almost exactly 30 years apart down to the minute.  So, to ensure that I made this June 6th a bit better, I decided to take off and go shopping with my Mom. 

After having some minor irritation in the morning and calling the doctor, it was confirmed there was nothing to worry about, so off we went... shopping.  I spent every last penny of my birthday money on cute maternity clothes for work and a bathing suit.  Upon my return home, well to my Mom's, things were still going well. 

Then it happened..... 7:15pm!  Ouch!  The pain was back and it was worse than ever.  KIDNEY STONES. 

Brian took me to the ER and I was admitted after only a few hours.  The lady at the desk asked my name.  I gave it.  She then said, "Your birthday is..." and look at me.  I acknowledged her by saying, "Yep, today."  She asked, "Is this your first pregnancy?"  I responded with, "No, we lost and delivered our first one year ago today."  The pain was unbearable.  Between the pain of the stones and getting sick from the pain, I was in for it.  The doctors decided it was best to place a nephrostomy tube for the remainder of the pregnancy with Nolan, plus two weeks after the delivery. 

Yep, nothing like being back in the hospital on the same day I delivered Wyatt, one year ago.  Nothing like an instant reminder that life can change in a blink of an eye.  And nothing like a very Happy Birthday present, little stones that cause much pain.

Wyatt's First Birthday

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count.  It's the life in your years." 

~ Abraham Lincoln

Wyatt's first birthday party was wonderful.  The monkey theme was a huge success and the food was great.  The kids enjoyed their favors, the moon bounce, and the swing set.  Although it went from sunny to cloudy just before the party, the majority of the rain held off until after everyone left.  This was amazing since it seems to rain for everything we do for Wyatt.  As I have said before, "Angel Tears!"

Because of the cloudy skies, which might I say were not in the forecast, I decided it would be best to decorate inside only.  I wanted to ensure that Wyatt's shadow box, the one Brian built, was the center of the party.  I quickly came up with the idea to place a small shelf/table under it and made it Wyatt's memorial table. 

Since Wyatt couldn't be here with us to open gifts, I decided it would be fitting to buy him a new monkey to match his party theme. 

Several weeks back, I saw a cute banner on the Internet and wanted to try to make something like it for Wyatt's party.  I spent hours cutting out circles and making the banner perfect.  The plan was to hang the banner outside by the pool, however the pool wasn't clear for the party and it looked like it was going to rain.  So, we decided to hang the banner above the food table.  I think it looked wonderful. 

I wanted something to include Wyatt's name, something that everyone would see.  I decided to make jars, three of them, to display each of Wyatt's names, Wyatt James McGrory.  After thinking of what the jars could be used for, my favorite choice was utensil holders, as everyone would need a fork.  I received a lot of positive feedback on these jars at the party.  Even my sister said that we should go into the jar making business. 

Soon after Wyatt's passing, I decided to make a video for him.  I spent a lot of time working on the video while I was on maternity leave, but I never finished it.  The pain was still too fresh.  Last week, I decided it was time to complete the video, as I had promised myself it would be finished by his first birthday.  I added the finishing touches and had it ready to go for the party.  It was displayed on the table with the food for all to watch.

A few of the girls all gathered together to watch the video. 

Even a monkey was there to take part in viewing the video.  I purchased several of these cute inflatable monkeys to display.  The kids enjoyed them.

A party's not a party without cake or cupcakes.  We decided on cupcakes and I had known since May how I wanted to make them.  I found the cutest photo of monkey cupcakes on the Internet.  I saved the photo and replicated them.  These little guys were a hit with the kids and many of the adults. 

And of course.... can't forget the party favors.  I wanted something simple but cute.  I found a perfect monkey photo with a background that matched the color scheme.  I printed several of them, cut them out, glued them to cardboard and then to a lollipop stick.  The sticks were then placed into a brown cup and the cup was filled with a water gun, crackers, and candy.  Lastly, I made name tags for each child from scrapbook paper and cardstock, and I hang them from each cup. 

I wanted to do something special for Wyatt with a party cup made just for him.  It felt strange making party cups for all of the kids, but not one for Wyatt.  After several hours of thinking, I came up with something unique.  I decided to make Wyatt a cup but it would be filled with scrapbook papers and markers instead of snacks.  I made a sign asking for family to participate in adding to Wyatt's scrapbook by writing Wyatt a message on a scrapbook square.  These squares are going to add so much to Wyatt's scrapbook.  I was surprised to see that all of the kids participated also.

The final item created, something that I thought would be really cute, was the Pin the Banana on the Monkey game.  I found an adorable monkey, printed it out and glued it to cardstock and scrapbook paper.  I typed up the words and created the game myself.  Then I printed out several bananas and cut them out for the kids to use to pin on the monkey.

BUT.... the game was never played.  I totally forgot about it.  The party got away from me and I lost track of time.  So, the game will have to wait for another party.

Brian and I decided to put up a moon bounce so the kids would have something to play on during the party.  It was a huge hit.  They loved it.

The last order of business was the balloon release.  Each family member received one blue balloon to send up to Wyatt.  I passed out a poem that I read prior to singing Happy Birthday and letting the balloons go.  Singing Happy Birthday was something I debating on for several weeks, well months.  But it just felt right, so we sang.  We did all this surrounding Wyatt's new garden.  I explained the meaning behind the garden and the laying of Wyatt's stone.  It was wonderful!

Then it was time for the release.  This is the hardest part each time.  We finally let go....

... and we watched, as the balloons were taken above to Heaven.

We made sure that Wyatt's day was something very special.  Though he couldn't be here with us, he had a wonderful party.  Everyone was there, had fun, and enjoyed the fact that they were all able to celebrate a special angel's short, but sweet little life.

Happy First Birthday, Wyatt James.  We love you forever and always.