Blue Butterfly

Sometimes the things that touch your heart aren't worth a million dollars. 

I am an avid Ebay shopper and I recently found something that would mean the world to me to wear.  With the holidays around the corner and trying to cut back on our spending, Ebay is the best place to shop but the worst at the same time.  There are so many wonderful items on there that sometimes I cave. 

I caved this time.  One, because the price was $1.00 with free shipping and two, because when you see what this is you will fully understand. 

Remember back to last year.  Remember the post of the sign I received from Wyatt, yes, I know there were so many.  But the one with the butterfly, do you remember?  Well, what color was that butterfly?  Yes, blue.  Since then, any time I see a blue butterfly my heart gets all mushy as I am quickly reminded of my Wyatt. 

Well, talk about a fitting piece.  It isn't anything expensive.  To be honest, it isn't even silver.  I didn't care.  I placed my bid and in a short three hours I learned that I had won the piece.  It arrived in the mail yesterday.  I carefully opened the package, pulled it out, and was amazed at its beauty.  I absolutely love it. 

Beautiful isn't it? 

With fall approaching and winter soon to come, my heart sinks as I realize that the beauty of nature will soon be hidden by the darkness of the new seasons.  Soon my reminders will not be seen until the warmer days return.  My blue butterfly will flutter no more in the garden for the seasons will hide the flowers.  But my reminder can now forever be worn near the very place my son lives, in my heart. 

For the Lord

Brian and I recently became members of the church which I attended when I was growing up.  Since becoming members we have attended weekly, minus the weekend of hurricane Irene.  I used to hate going to church as I felt that I couldn't understand what was being said. 

Since losing Wyatt, going to church makes so much sense now.  The words spoken bring peace to my heart.  Reading along in the book with each reading allows me to take in every word and make sense of it, relate it to me. 

Today's readings were touching, as always, but one really stood out.  It was Romans 14:7-9. 
It said this:

⁷ For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. ⁸ If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. ⁹ For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.

This touched me as I thought of my dear boy Wyatt.  I listened to the reading, read it once to myself, and then read it again.  At that moment, peace came over me as I realized what it was saying. 

My baby boy, my little Wyatt belongs to the Lord.  It didn't matter if he lived or died, he still belongs to the Lord.  So why was I so selfish to ask him to live while suffering?  Because I thought wrong.  I thought the way one would if they were living for themselves alone, thinking only of themselves.  Today it was brought to my attention that we all live and die for the Lord. 

Wyatt lived briefly, touched many, and returned home to the Lord through death.  Although returned through death, he is not suffering.  He is free from hurt and pain.

As I sit here and type this another mother is having to prepare to say goodbye to her precious child.  This child is fighting to stay alive to live with his parents for another moment.  Sadly, this child was given a short life expectancy.  Born only three days ago, this child may soon have to return home to the Lord.  It breaks my heart to know that this family will suffer another loss of a child.  Yes, another as they already lost one.

It's times like this when I question EVERYTHING.  Yes, I know, I have to remember what the reading says.

Forever in Our Hearts

Fifteen months ago I delivered an angel and my life changed forever. 

Never would I have pictured my life like this, one son here with me and the other with God. 

Numb is the only way to describe how it feels most days.

Just because our miracle arrived doesn't make our loss any easier.

He is gone and he will never be back.  If you have never lost a child just imagine.  Yes, it hurts like hell!

Fifteen months ago an angel came into my life and taught me more than he will ever know.

Life was changed forever and so quickly we realized  it would never be the same.

Time has flown by yet remained stagnant at the same time.  Is that even possible?

Signs from above are all we receive now.  No smiles or kisses from our angel we love.

We feel that one day we will see him again, but seems that day is very far away.

Fifteen months ago I was holding an angel in my arms. 

Today all we can do is hold him forever in our hearts.

Maybe

It's just around the corner and yet here I was today putting a few photos away and keeping only the best ones out for friends and family to view.  I am not trying to put things away to forget him but the reality is he now has a little brother.  Even if he was here, certain things would have to be put away to allow room for his brother's things.  No, I am not saying that his brother is taking his place.  That is something that will NEVER happen.  What I am trying to say is my house is only so big and it's not like I can hang pictures from the ceiling. 

Around the corner is another milestone.  These milestones come every single month.  In a matter of one day, yes tomorrow, it will be 15 months since he was alive.  In three days it will be 15 months since we held him for the first time.  And in four days it will be 15 months since we said our final goodbyes.  This milestone is hitting hard mainly because his brother is here and I am realizing everything we have missed with him.  It's hard because I am home and have time to think about things.  It is even harder because I now know that my boys will never be able to play or grow up together.

Someone reached out to me the other day and told me I was a strong person and that I had made it through one tough storm.  I don't consider myself strong, not by any means.  I consider myself making it through each day and playing the cards I have been dealt.  It's basically like settling or bargaining with God, though if you understand the power of God you know you can't settle or bargain.  This is the path that was chosen for me and for Brian.  I am not sure why and I may never know.  A strong person wouldn't have allowed themselves to hurt and doubt the way things happened.  A strong person would have trusted in the way of this life.  No,  I am not strong, I am simply making it through each day.

Each day I struggle with the fact that I only have one of my two sons here with me.  I think about the families out there who have all of their children on Earth with them.  I think about how they get to watch each child grow and play.  They can see similarities and differences within their children.  These families so often take the small things for granted.  For example, I was walking into the grocery store last night and while walking through the parking lot I was shocked.  A mother was disciplining her child but she grabbed the little girl by her face with force and started screaming.  I am not one to say how other parents should discipline however, there are others ways to discipline which don't require hurt or pain to the child.  Do these parents not understand that life is very VERY short.  What if that moment was the last moment they had to spend with their child?  Would they still yell and scream and use force to discipline? 

The milestone is near, the 15 month milestone.  I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about the past 15 months and even the months before them.  I continue to shake my head in the disbelief of my life.  I never pictured my life to turn out the way it has.  I think often of writing a book about the story of my life.  I think it would be interesting, encouraging, heart-wrenching, but yet powerful at the same time.  I then find myself wondering if anyone would read the book, would they believe it, or would it be classified as fiction?

Maybe one day the events that occurred in my life will make it to paper.  Maybe one day my dream of owning my own boutique will come true.  Maybe one day our family will be together as one.  Maybe... it's like that movie title, how does it go?  Definitely, Maybe.  I can't be certain, therefore it definitely must be maybe.

“I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.”  ~ unknown