When the Time is Right

These days, I have spent a lot of time talking to Wyatt.  I have been sick with kidney stones since 6/6 (yes, mine and Wyatt's birthday).  Since then, I have been dealing with a tube and then a kidney infection.  The tube has to stay in until two weeks after Nolan arrives.  So, I've been talking to Wyatt and asking for him to ensure I stay strong during this ordeal.  I know looking back, I will some day laugh at the fact that this pregnancy couldn't be easy either, but that laughing will not occur anytime soon. 

In talking with Wyatt, I have realized how much I have grown.  I can look at photos and not sob for hours.  I can talk to him and not have tears dripping down my face.  I feel as though when I talk with him now, he is right there listening, like he is looking down over me.  I didn't feel like this last year. 

Last year I felt as though Wyatt was forever away from me.  We were miles and miles apart and that nothing would ever reunite us again.  Over the past few weeks, I feel as though he is right beside me.  There are times I feel that he is sitting beside me, with his little head turned, and looking at me.  I have even had a few dreams in the past week or so which have caused me to believe that he is actually here.  It's strange I know, but it is true.

I saw him the other night, or I think it was him, in a dream.  The image hasn't left my mind.  A cute little boy, with light brown hair and big brown eyes.  He was smiling back at me with only a few teeth.  I don't remember much of the other details about him, but I know that it was him. 

I wonder if this is because we are getting close to Nolan's due date?  Or if it is a sign telling me that Wyatt is okay?  I imagine whatever it is, I am only meant to know what I believe I know now, that Wyatt is safe, happy, and free from pain. 

Many times when I begin to talk to Wyatt I feel that my conversations are going to be one sided.  However, I have come to realize that he is there ready to talk back.  But only when the time is right.

"Don't Cry for Me Daddy"

Today is Father's Day, a special day when father's are honored for being wonderful role models to their children.  But what happens if your first born is in Heaven and your second isn't here yet?

Well, you still celebrate, because you are still a wonderful father.  You are the one that he looks to from up above and the one he sends his signs to.  You are his father and you always will be.  You will be the father he looks for when you enter Heaven. 

Yes, today is Father's Day.  A reminder for BLDs that their child is not with them here on Earth.  Though today will be hard, my plan is to make Brian's Father's Day enjoyable.  He will received the dog tag that was made for him that has Wyatt's picture and message from Wyatt to his Daddy on it.  Afterwards, we are heading to Brian's families house for dinner. 

This day last year, Brian received a coffee mug with Wyatt's photo on it.  It was his first ever Father's Day and it was only a few short days after we lost our little Wyatt.  Talk about hard, it couldn't have gotten much harder.  This year the pain is still there, but we have learned to cope with it just a bit.  This year we also have another little one on the way, making Brian a Daddy times two!

I had a Father's Day card made for Brian this year, because Hallmark doesn't make one for a father whose child is in Heaven.  The card has photos of Brian and Wyatt on the front and the inside says:

 Don't Cry for Me Daddy

Don't cry for me Daddy, I'm right here.

Although you can't see me, I see your tears.

I visit you often, I go to work with you each day,

And when it's time for you to close your eyes, on your pillow is where I lay.

I hold your hand and stroke your hair, and whisper in your ear.

If you're sad today Daddy, remember, I am here.

Good took me home.  This we know it true.

But you'll always be My Daddy even though I'm not with you.

We will never be apart, for every time you think of me,

Please know I'm in your Heart.

Beautiful, isn't it?  I think this is the best poem I have found for a father to date. 

Wishing all fathers, especially BLDs, a very Happy Father's Day.

Little Stones That Cause Much Pain

I haven't been posting lately here, as I have been laid up with kidney stones since June 6th.  Yep, another horrible June 6th, not as bad as last year though.

I took off work this year on June 6th thinking it would be best so I wasn't in a place of professionalism when I couldn't be professional at all.  I knew that Wyatt's birthday would be tough, he would have been one.  Not only is June 6th Wyatt's birthday, but it is my birthday also.  We are almost exactly 30 years apart down to the minute.  So, to ensure that I made this June 6th a bit better, I decided to take off and go shopping with my Mom. 

After having some minor irritation in the morning and calling the doctor, it was confirmed there was nothing to worry about, so off we went... shopping.  I spent every last penny of my birthday money on cute maternity clothes for work and a bathing suit.  Upon my return home, well to my Mom's, things were still going well. 

Then it happened..... 7:15pm!  Ouch!  The pain was back and it was worse than ever.  KIDNEY STONES. 

Brian took me to the ER and I was admitted after only a few hours.  The lady at the desk asked my name.  I gave it.  She then said, "Your birthday is..." and look at me.  I acknowledged her by saying, "Yep, today."  She asked, "Is this your first pregnancy?"  I responded with, "No, we lost and delivered our first one year ago today."  The pain was unbearable.  Between the pain of the stones and getting sick from the pain, I was in for it.  The doctors decided it was best to place a nephrostomy tube for the remainder of the pregnancy with Nolan, plus two weeks after the delivery. 

Yep, nothing like being back in the hospital on the same day I delivered Wyatt, one year ago.  Nothing like an instant reminder that life can change in a blink of an eye.  And nothing like a very Happy Birthday present, little stones that cause much pain.

Wyatt's First Birthday

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count.  It's the life in your years." 

~ Abraham Lincoln

Wyatt's first birthday party was wonderful.  The monkey theme was a huge success and the food was great.  The kids enjoyed their favors, the moon bounce, and the swing set.  Although it went from sunny to cloudy just before the party, the majority of the rain held off until after everyone left.  This was amazing since it seems to rain for everything we do for Wyatt.  As I have said before, "Angel Tears!"

Because of the cloudy skies, which might I say were not in the forecast, I decided it would be best to decorate inside only.  I wanted to ensure that Wyatt's shadow box, the one Brian built, was the center of the party.  I quickly came up with the idea to place a small shelf/table under it and made it Wyatt's memorial table. 

Since Wyatt couldn't be here with us to open gifts, I decided it would be fitting to buy him a new monkey to match his party theme. 

Several weeks back, I saw a cute banner on the Internet and wanted to try to make something like it for Wyatt's party.  I spent hours cutting out circles and making the banner perfect.  The plan was to hang the banner outside by the pool, however the pool wasn't clear for the party and it looked like it was going to rain.  So, we decided to hang the banner above the food table.  I think it looked wonderful. 

I wanted something to include Wyatt's name, something that everyone would see.  I decided to make jars, three of them, to display each of Wyatt's names, Wyatt James McGrory.  After thinking of what the jars could be used for, my favorite choice was utensil holders, as everyone would need a fork.  I received a lot of positive feedback on these jars at the party.  Even my sister said that we should go into the jar making business. 

Soon after Wyatt's passing, I decided to make a video for him.  I spent a lot of time working on the video while I was on maternity leave, but I never finished it.  The pain was still too fresh.  Last week, I decided it was time to complete the video, as I had promised myself it would be finished by his first birthday.  I added the finishing touches and had it ready to go for the party.  It was displayed on the table with the food for all to watch.

A few of the girls all gathered together to watch the video. 

Even a monkey was there to take part in viewing the video.  I purchased several of these cute inflatable monkeys to display.  The kids enjoyed them.

A party's not a party without cake or cupcakes.  We decided on cupcakes and I had known since May how I wanted to make them.  I found the cutest photo of monkey cupcakes on the Internet.  I saved the photo and replicated them.  These little guys were a hit with the kids and many of the adults. 

And of course.... can't forget the party favors.  I wanted something simple but cute.  I found a perfect monkey photo with a background that matched the color scheme.  I printed several of them, cut them out, glued them to cardboard and then to a lollipop stick.  The sticks were then placed into a brown cup and the cup was filled with a water gun, crackers, and candy.  Lastly, I made name tags for each child from scrapbook paper and cardstock, and I hang them from each cup. 

I wanted to do something special for Wyatt with a party cup made just for him.  It felt strange making party cups for all of the kids, but not one for Wyatt.  After several hours of thinking, I came up with something unique.  I decided to make Wyatt a cup but it would be filled with scrapbook papers and markers instead of snacks.  I made a sign asking for family to participate in adding to Wyatt's scrapbook by writing Wyatt a message on a scrapbook square.  These squares are going to add so much to Wyatt's scrapbook.  I was surprised to see that all of the kids participated also.

The final item created, something that I thought would be really cute, was the Pin the Banana on the Monkey game.  I found an adorable monkey, printed it out and glued it to cardstock and scrapbook paper.  I typed up the words and created the game myself.  Then I printed out several bananas and cut them out for the kids to use to pin on the monkey.

BUT.... the game was never played.  I totally forgot about it.  The party got away from me and I lost track of time.  So, the game will have to wait for another party.

Brian and I decided to put up a moon bounce so the kids would have something to play on during the party.  It was a huge hit.  They loved it.

The last order of business was the balloon release.  Each family member received one blue balloon to send up to Wyatt.  I passed out a poem that I read prior to singing Happy Birthday and letting the balloons go.  Singing Happy Birthday was something I debating on for several weeks, well months.  But it just felt right, so we sang.  We did all this surrounding Wyatt's new garden.  I explained the meaning behind the garden and the laying of Wyatt's stone.  It was wonderful!

Then it was time for the release.  This is the hardest part each time.  We finally let go....

... and we watched, as the balloons were taken above to Heaven.

We made sure that Wyatt's day was something very special.  Though he couldn't be here with us, he had a wonderful party.  Everyone was there, had fun, and enjoyed the fact that they were all able to celebrate a special angel's short, but sweet little life.

Happy First Birthday, Wyatt James.  We love you forever and always.

Looking Up and Not Down

Today marked the big day..... June 4th the worst day ever.  The day we lost our little angel, the day he passed into Heaven. 

We decided to hold a memory celebration party for Wyatt today.  We invited our immediate families and decided on a monkey theme.  I had worked for two months to ensure that the decorations and foods would be perfect. 

Brian worked very hard for weeks to ensure the yard was presentable, mulch laid, etc. 

It didn't matter how much we prepared we still had so much to do this morning.  We ran around all day, worked hard to prepare everything, and tried to make it perfect.  I cooked and tried to clean up the house.  Brian worked outside to ensure Wyatt's garden was 100% complete for the party.  We were down to the wire and it was killing me.  I was so sore, my stomach was stretching from little Nolan, and Brian looked beat, but we continued to push through. 

At 12:28p, the exact time one year ago that a ultrasound was preformed on Wyatt and the doctors realized he had passed, I looked outside.  Brian was still working on Wyatt's garden.  He was adding the final touch, his memorial stone.  How perfect.

Around 1:30p, I lost it for the first time.  I just couldn't take any more.  Between the pains in my sides, the realization that not everything was going to be completed, and the fact that we had just passed the one year mark since Wyatt left us, I was in tears.  It annoyed Brian but eventually I think he understood it wasn't just because things couldn't all get done.  He realized there were more to the tears. 

The party began at 3:00p, and I was still making food and decorating.  Thank goodness my niece had her party today also and no one arrived until closer to 4:00p. 

I was strong today, I have come a long way in one year.  I had two moments when I thought I was going to lose it at the party, once while watching Wyatt's video and the second during the balloon release.  Otherwise, something just felt different.  I honestly felt like for the first time in a while that he was there, right there with me, all day long!  I felt as though he knew what I was doing and why, like he understood.  It felt as though he was walking with me today, like he was right beside me looking up and not down. 

PS:  The next post will be more in depth on the party and will include photos!

Unforgotten Cherries

One year ago, almost to the exact minute, I was sitting on the couch with a bowl of cherries.  Wyatt loved fruit and I decided that since I couldn't eat after midnight because of the upcoming surgery, I would eat a big bowl of cherries before going to bed. 

Wyatt loved the cherries, he moved and kicked all night. 

..... Little did I know that those cherries would be the last thing Wyatt ate. 

I can honestly say, I haven't eaten cherries in one year.  I can't bring myself to do it. 

It's the little things like those cherries that I will remember forever.

Turning of the Calendar

It was at 8:38am this morning when I was sitting at my desk at work and realized that the calendar I was looking at was still on May.  I was talking with a peer and said, "Well, I guess I can change my calendar", but I didn't.

I couldn't.

Turning the calendar meant that I was definitely entering the month of June.  The month I had dreaded since last year. 

Like not turning the calendar was holding off time.  Denial?  Stubbornness?  Whatever it was, I didn't want to turn that damn calendar. 

This calendar is not just any calendar.  It is the calendar that I made on Shutterfly that is full of photos of Wyatt for every month.  It is something that I cherish, as I find myself starring at the pictures several times a day.  As I continued to stare at the May photos I realized that time elapsing in months was about to end, in just a few short days, as we would now be to that one year mark.  I realized that it didn't matter if I turned the calendar or not, the one year mark was coming.  I slowly looked away from the calendar as I turned the cardboard page from May to June.

There it was, June.  With all the pictures of Wyatt, Mommy, and Daddy printed on this month's page, the photos could tell the whole story.  The story of a little boy who we struggled to create for more than two years, who was with us for 29 weeks and 1 day, and who is loved more than anything ever can be loved.  It's a story about strength, life, and not giving up. 

I sat starring at the photos on the June month for several minutes.  There is a photo that is printed on the date of June 6 of Wyatt for his birthday and I couldn't take my eyes off of it.  There he was, my perfect angel, lying in his blanket.  Oh the thoughts that ran through my mind.

"You would be one in just five days."
"I wonder what you would look like now."
"You would be walking."

They continued, until I shook my head and decided that like time, I needed to push forward.  For I love Wyatt and love lasts an eternity, not just for a month.   

"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."

~ Henry Van Dyke