Stuck

I haven't written here is forever... almost two years, but I felt the need today.

He's on my mind more and more these day...  I seem to attract the voids that he should be filling.  I find those voids in photographs, daily tasks, and family events.  All of the moments of those life changing days play over and over in my head.... EVERY.SINGLE.DAY!  Each morning I wake to two beautiful, bright eyed, and full of life little boys.  And each day I find myself questioning what would life be like with him here.  Today I found myself asking those "what if" questions again.  I do it now and again but I try to catch myself.  Today was no different.  Just after the mind put the words together, I fought with the answer.  I successfully held back the tears by tending to my other babies but the pain was still there.  I think back to the advice I received during those weeks after he left us and I shake my head in disbelief.  "It will get easier", "Time will help heal the pain", "He is always with you".  Only one of those phrases holds true.... he is ALWAYS with me.  I think of him constantly.  He lives in my heart, mind, dreams, and conversations.

There are times that I look back on the past 3 years, 10 months, and 24 days and honestly have no clue where they have gone.  I see that my family has grown by two and know that we enjoy our time together.  I love my boys with all my heart and they mean the world to me.  By no means would I change the past three years worth of events.  But there are many times that I still feel stuck in 2010.  I feel as if life has moved forward with me in it but my feet have never left where I stood in the hospital room on June 7, 2010.  That moment of saying goodbye, the kiss to his forehead, the wrinkle in his skin, the soft words whispered in his little ear.  That is where I still hang out.  That is the place I find myself running back to almost daily.

There are many things that can be said about losing someone you love but none were told to me to prepare me for how my life is currently.  Yes, I do have two amazing boys here with me and I have an angel to watch over all of us.  But that does not heal all the pain, the horrible weight pressed against my heart, that I feel every single day.

Some may read this and think "oh no, here we go again" or "wow really?  She has two other kids to be thankful for".  Believe me, I am forever grateful to have my other children.  Without my other boys, I would not be where I am today.  But what you need to know is that the loss of a child is FOREVER.  It never, ever goes away.  It is re-lived every day, sometimes multiple times a day.  There are questions that are asked of you, situations you are put in, daily moments that take your breath away, and events that just don't feel complete.  Until you have experienced the pain, don't pass judgement.  Just know life is never, ever the same.

Life

Sadly it has been a while since I posted anything on this blog.  I get upset at myself every day for not posting on here more, but the truth of the matter is, I just can't.  I have been having a hard time dealing with the fact that Wyatt's second "birthday" just passed. Since his party, I have been in a dark spot.  Luckily, Nolan's first birthday was just around the corner and I devoted my time to that.  But since Nolan's party, the pain has come crushing back, even more so.  Nolan's birthday was great, but it made me realize just all I have missed out on with Wyatt.  Yes, I am lucky to have a wonderful gift here with me but I still do and will always miss my little Wyatt.

Like I said, I have been in a dark spot, and today it hit hard when I found out that another little heart warrior had returned to the heavens.  I don't know this little girl personally nor had I ever had the privilege to meet her in person.  But she touched my heart with her heart story and she reminded me of how things could have been if Wyatt was still with us.  Heart surgeries, hospitals, her strength, and her fight.

I still can't believe this little girl is now an angel.  Although losing a son, I just can't imagine the pain and heartache this family is dealing with at this time.  I have found myself in tears multiple times today.  I know the pain a parent feels when they lose a child and to know that another family is going through that pain right now, it just isn't right.  No parent, NO PARENT, should ever experience the loss of a child.  I don't know what pain could ever be worse.

I sit here pondering if Wyatt would have pulled through the surgery would something like this have happened to him.  I will never know.  We never know.  We are given choices and we have to make the best choice at the time that we are presented with it.  We can live life asking the what if's, but would it change anything?  We are given life but we don't know for how long.  Life is something to be treasured for whatever the short period that we have it for.  Some life is longer than other, but in the end it is not the length that matters.  Some of the greatest warriors I have known are those who have lived very VERY short lives.

Photo Card

Having Fun Boy Birthday

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He was remembered

Well, the day arrived... His second birthday.  I can't believe it has been two years since we were last together.  That is a long time for a mother and child to be apart.  Today wasn't nearly as hard as last year but there were several tough tugs to the heart.  I didn't lose it and managed to hold it together well today.  There have been times where the tears started to form but I choked them back, thought about everything that has happened in two years, and moved forward.

It was a beautiful day outside.  The skies were blue and the air was fresh.  I told myself I was going to enjoy this day as it would be the first birthday in three years out of the hospital.  I did make the most of it.  I found a feather by my bed, a sign.  I know he was near.

The birthday wishes piled in for Wyatt and I.  Pictures of lit candles, his names, or friends and family wearing blue were post on FB.  I loved seeing it all.  He was remembered and that was all that mattered.

It's been two years but it seems like just yesterday that I held my little warrior, my little monkey, my Wyatt.  Love and miss him so very much.

Photos from friends and family in remembrance:

 

~ Aunt Lisa

Thought of you when I saw this baby Wyatt! ~ Aunt Lisa

~ from Caroline

~ from Melissa

~ from Danielle

~ from Aunt Callie, Shaelyn, Breah, and Avery

~ from Lauren

~ from Aunt Heather

~ from Nolan your little brother

~ from Daddy (a monkey in your bush)

~ from Mommy and Daddy

We love you with all our hearts!

~ from Mommy

A Mommy with her boys!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow Party

We celebrated Wyatt's second birthday this past Sunday, June 3.  We decided to invite only our immediate families and we did a BBQ and a balloon release.  After countless hours of searching the web for ideas to stick with a rainbow theme, it seemed to all come together in the end.

We had to purchase more balloons which resulted in Brian being late for the start of the party, all because I decided to be cheap and get the helium tank to do it myself.  I didn't it the night before and well, the morning of the party I woke up to balloons laying all over the kitchen floor.  Ah well, live and learn.

The party was a success and the release went as planned.  Of course, it always rains when we do something for Wyatt and this was no different.  After the release it poured, the wind was crazy, and it even hailed.  The moon bounce blew across the yard and my Dad caught it, thank God.  I seriously think that Wyatt was just sending a sign saying that he wanted more balloons.  LOL

I read a poem just before the balloon release.  This year the poem I selected was called Little Snowdrop.

Little Snowdrop

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
For every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

Here are photos from Wyatt's 2nd birthday:

Rainbow on the inside...

and on the out!

Rainbow cake to go with the cupcakes

Nolan playing with the 100 water balloons that I filled but we never got to use

Rainbow fruit

Veg dip - yum

Rainbow apps!!!

Rainbow balloons - second set since the first were on the floor when we woke up in the morning

"Mommy, we are sending all of these to brother?"

"Let me get some of that!!"

"Gramps, thanks for the cold dog... it's really good!"

Getting ready for the release

Rainbow release

Mommy, Daddy, and little brother

Poem time

They are coming to you baby.. 

Somewhere over the rainbow you will catch them

They looked as if they were glowing

Hard to see but still glowing

Clouds and rainbow

Rainbow pretzel rods

Wyatt's special box

All for our son, Wyatt James

Birthday Gift

My dearest Wyatt,

I just ordered your birthday present.  I wish I could give you so much more but it's so hard with you in Heaven.  I know that you look down to us every day, I just wish you were here with us.  I decided to order you a garden flag with your photo on it for your special garden.  I can't wait until it arrives so Daddy and I can place it next to your stone.  We love you and miss you so very very much.  I still can't believe the tomorrow is your second birthday already.

Brother was so cute today.  I allowed him to stand up against your cabinet and he was just talking away and tapping at the glass.  It was as if he was talking with you.

Well, I wanted to let you know that your present is ordered and will hopefully be in soon.

Love you very much,

Mommy

Thick of it

Today I find myself among the thick of it.  Two years ago today was a day I tried to hang onto forever.  I had already awoke from a surgery that took your little life and I was told that I needed to deliver you as soon as I could.  I recall telling the doctor that we would wait until Sunday.  I was too weak to push due to the surgery but the main reason for the wait was my selfishness.  I wanted you to remain with me for as long as possible.  You were safe and sound still inside my womb and I didn't want to face the hard reality of the fact that you were really gone.  

It didn't matter what I wanted, you had your own plan.  Though my body went into labor just hours after the surgery, your didn't arrive until Sunday.  There wasn't much to the delivery.  A few pushes and you were out.  You were so tiny and fragile.  I remember thinking how much you resembled your Uncle Ryan.  

Yes, today I find myself in the thick of it.  No, not the pain, but of the memories of two years ago.  The memories of the worst ten days of my entire life.  The remembrance of the events leading up to your delivery.  And I cherish the wonderful moments, though too brief, that you were with us.  I will forever remember the moment when you were place in my arms, the moment when I officially became your Mommy.  

Every day I miss you more and more.  I find myself understanding more than I ever have before about life and the shortness of it all.  I realize that one day Daddy and I will be with you again and it gives me hope.  I also know that you are with loving family and you now have Mommom with you, who will love you as much as I.